Currently Wildflower By Sheryl Crow Chances Are see related

I don't know quite why but I find I am pushing someone away from me. At first, it was subconscious, but now it's very clear and now intentional.

Our friendship started fast and easy. It moved a little too fast, for me that is. Soon I was in a position where I felt like I was being suffocated. I don't know if it's me and this is just another tick on the notches of all the friends I don't have anymore, or soon won't. I used to think that I just lost touch with them, no longer in their immediate circles, communication was no longer regular and thus became scarce, eventually to nothing. But what about this situation? Where I am clearly pushing her away... I feel like I have my reasons, but are they legitimate or am I just set up on a path of failure for most friends.

The friends I do keep in real touch with, are all either miles away or busy, so we don't see each other that much.

I think it's hard for me to have people just "drop in" whenever they feel like it - especially when there is no plan for what we're going to do. Nothing to talk about, the awkwardness drives me crazy. And in the end I feel like I am some kind of failure, that there is something I should be doing that I am not, that this is all my fault.

I have come to realize that in some ways I am a very selfish person with my time. With some of my friends I could spend all my time with them and love it, but others I grow weary of very quickly.

Here it is especially hard to have friendship boundaries with other patients here, because the door is always open and they can come in whenever they please. And I am not rude enough to ask them to leave outright - unless I am like throwing up or something.

The other day was especially annoying when she brought over one of her friends to meet me and I was literally throwing up in a cup as she was making introductions. I tried to smile, and wave, and I thought they would get the point that this was not a good time for a visit, but no, my mom walked to the door (I think it was in an effort to give me a little privacy since they were not getting the hint to move on).. until finally I was extremely annoyed and asked the tech by my bed to ask them to move on down the hall.

When our friendship first blossomed I was very open with her.. as I am with a lot of people I first meet. Maybe too much, and then I end up resenting it later? I don't think I would have resented it but in my opinion she began to take liberties that were not hers to take. For instance, telling me when friends or family of mine were planning on visitng me - before I knew of it myself, having read it off my facebook or actually chatting with them through facebook.

She is in her 40's (although she acts younger, she doesn't have a mental disability of any kind) and was actually interested in "pursuing" my uncle. I asked her not too, that it would never work out because he has odd habits and stuff. Yet, she disregarded my request and then had the nerve to tell me that the reason he had told her that it would never work was because "there is too many rules at long-term care facilities and I could never make you happy" - she took that to mean that all he wanted was sex. I tried not to show it, but it made me fiercely angry, he's a devout Christian and no, that is not what he was saying at all. Yes, I am sure when he gets married he wants to have a normal sexual relationship but not just for "sex" that is so crude to me, no, he wants to have a wife with kids and stuff. Do the whole dad thing.

It just made me so mad that she would rush to a judgement like that about someone she hardly knew. Especially after I requested she not make advances like that anyway.

It soon became apparent that she was "glomming" on every person I knew as a new potential friend for herself. Which, I can see that she is lonely.. but that just got overwhelming for me. I felt like everything about my life was being shadowed by a friend I didn't know that much about either.

So now, I feel like I am trying to extricate myself, delicately, politely, I just crave DISTANCE. And it has become apparent to her that things aren't like they were before. I just don't know what to say to her anymore.

I don't even like going on Facebook chat, even though I have many people I want to chat with - just because she's always there and I can't escape from it.

I took the step of blocking her from seeing my Facebook "wall" and my friend's list.

I just need somethings that are just "mine." And as I type that I realize how selfish that sounds. I don't want her involved with every member of my family or friend I have. I don't think that is healthy.

I just don't know what to do. Is this some fundamental failure I have at making and keeping friends? Is this behavior that I find border-line creepy, something else entirely?

And just to make it clear, she definitely has friends of her own, that visit her regularly, so it's not dire loneliness on her part.

Anyone? Advice, suggestions, has this happened to anyone else before?

I've never been one keen to take pictures, especially of myself. I'm the one hiding my face from the camera. I don't know why, I've always been like that as far back as I can remember, always shy. The odd thing is, now I really envy camera-happy people. People who take a million pictures everyday. They have those images to look back and remember, more moments than I do.

I even bought a very nice digital camera a couple years back. I took it on a trip with me, and still didn't use it very much. Now I don't even know where it is. Maybe I'm just not used to taking pictures, it feels awkward holding the camera - do you pose or just point and shoot everything randomly? I don't know.

Right now I definitely don't like getting my picture taken. I mean, honestly, who would want to get their picture taken in a hospital bed with a ventilator and hospital gown on? And yet, I have family and friends, even nurses who want pictures taken. It kind of befuddles me.

I kind of "got" something though after watching Farrah Fawcett's documentary about her dealing with cancer. Such a private and personal hell, and yet, she let the camera (a video camera, no less) film the most intimate moments - like taking her hat off and showing how much hair she had lost. Seeing her do that, and knowing how beautiful her hair was, so much apart of her image as a celebrity, and so much apart of every person's (especially women) image of themselves.

The thing I "got" was that it's not about how we look, or how we feel. Pictures are not just images, they are sentences of a story, snippets of a life caught on paper. I know I don't look beauitful, I may not feel beautiful, even on my best days, but I want people to look back on my life and know I always had a smile to share. I was not moping or hanging my head in defeat. I never lost my hope, my laughter and wit. I never lost the essential "me."

I didn't know Farrah Fawcett as a celebrity. I had heard her name and that was all, but watching that documentary she became a person. One person, dealing with a cancer and paparazzi that tried to steal everything from her - including her dignity. Her film showed the truth through all the lies, that she always had hope, her dignity, her spirit.

I'm not comparing my life to Farrah's or anyone else battling cancer, I'm just saying that maybe it's a good thing to chronicle our "downs" as much as we do our "ups" in life.

Maybe next time someone wants a picture I'll just smile and flash an "I love you" hand sign.

Peace and hope!

Be forewarned that this post is mainly going to be about books and that is a subject I am SO passionate about sooo... haha!

First off, I finally caved in to all my friends and family who have been trying to get me to read The Shack. I'm a little over halfway through it and WOW, it is a definite must read for all Christians (or non-Christians too) because I feel like it has just opened my eyes. I'm not a person who has had a really strict definition or preconception of God, like His form and appearance. One of my favorite shows used to be Joan of Arcadia and if you watched that show you know that God turned up as the cafeteria lunch lady, homeless panhandlers, etc. So that isn't a big leap for me - but if you haven't thought of that before it's going to be interesting.

I know for me, I have a "shack" - a great sadness that hangs over me and sometimes dominates my thoughts and my life - if I let it. This book is helping me deal with that and I really think it's bringing me closer to the kind of relationship I want with God - and the kind I presume He wants with me.

I think for non-Christians it would be an interesting read too - even just to see a book that doesn't have the God of the Bible portrayed with a big booming voice coming down from the sky, or a behind a burning bush, or Jesus as a white man with  blonde hair and white robe.

OK enough about The Shack - although I really have to say that I don't read Christian fiction very much at all because it all comes across so patronizing or preachy and to me, this book just makes you really THINK about the nature and wonder of it all.

Next - I am SO excited because  I just finished ordering a shipment of books from Barnes and Noble. I received a 25 dollar gift card a few months ago from my aunt and I've been holding onto it until I had some books in mind that I REALLY wanted to own, not just pick up from the library. This is new to me because I usually don't get books, I buy them without thinking and they sit on my shelves, but since I don't have much space anymore and all our stuff is still in storage, and money is tight - I want to only buy books that I REALLY want to have around and share too.

SO- everyone knows how much I rave about The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon - a book I read in 2006 and STILL tell everyone to read. It is probably one of the best books I've ever read, with a little bit of everything, mystery, romance, suspense - all in perfect quantities. As soon as I finished reading it I searched for another Zafon book and was sorely disappointed to find that that was his debut and hadn't authored anything else. UNTIL NOW!! I was on facebook and saw an ad on the side of the page (which I usually ignore) but it got my heart racing as soon as I saw it! The Angel's Game.

The other book is a book I also read in 2006 (which 2006 is like one of the best years of reading for me apparently, because I really recommend almost everything I read that year) called The Ghost Writer by John Harwood. If you love a GOOD ghost story don't miss this book. Anyways, it's so hard to find a GOOD ghost story and it was beyond good. But that too was John Harwood's debut novel!! So I decided on the off chance that I'd look him up and hope with all my might that he'd have something else penned too. And he DID! The Seance.

I am SO excited for this order, to read this books than anyone can probably imagine. If they are anything on par with the first books by these authors I am in for one heck of a TREAT!

I also snooped around and found another book that looks really good called The Practice of Deceit by Elizabeth Benedict. I've never heard of her or this book before but I am usually pretty good about picking books I like.

For me, I think I've figured it out - to me books are like people - I always look for the best and can usually find it in every one of them. So when I pick books I hardly every can say "oh wow, I hated that book!" I just have books I like and books I LOVE.

It's weird. can't believe i've been in the hospital for 7 months. It seems so long but short at the same time. Everyday is starting to feel like groundhog day - sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to make the day go a different way, to get off this track I'm on.

I did play Mancala today. That was a change, I haven't played a game in a long time. Of course I won more times than not, haha. :) I just HAD to add that little tid bit!

I have been such a news-junkie since the 2000 election debacle.. but now, the more I see the more worried I get. I mean - our leaders INCLUDING the White House isn't even bothering to follow the rule of law and 230 year old precedents anymore! They are closing businesses that are profitable and telling preferred stockholders that they come second in line to the Unions. Sometimes I just think America has gone insane. I'm more than worried.. I am scared. Where are we going? No one in "charge" seems to know or care - as long as their gov't charge cards don't get cut up. Another thing.. the President freely admits we're "out of money" and yet he is just going full steam ahead - on the Express Train w/ no brake - with his healthcare plan. I'm no genius but uhm.. where's that money coming from?

I have to seriously get off that subject, just like I have to turn the channel - right before I blow a critical blood vessel. At least I'm in a hospital though, I figure I'm a little safer than the general public who would have to wait for an ambulance or drive themselves.

Alright, another subject coming right up.

Somehow I ended up with tendonitis in my left elbow/wrist. No one can figure out how I seemed to get it since it's usually caused by repetitive motion (a common term for it is "tennis elbow" because of the constant motion of the elbow and wrist when playing). I don't do any serious repetitive motion and I'm in bed a lot of the time.. so.. hmm.. that's a mystery. All I know is I am happy to say it's starting to go away. I was getting serious sick of wearing a brace on my arm AND wrist. The wrist brace isn't so bad, you can work with with and still use your fingers (I'm even wearing it right now) - the elbow brace is a real drag. It's basically the full length of the arm and it holds your elbow in a 90 degree angle. I did take it off 2-3 times a day to do some VERY painful exercises, so that wasn't much of a nice break. Thankfully, the pain has pretty much disapated and now it just feels like I haven't stretched my arm out in a long time.

I am really starting to miss going to school and doing school work. I'm considering taking one online course, I know I could not handle 2 or more at a time. Just because I never know when things are going to happen around here and I don't have a lot of control of when they do happen, so I wouldn't be reliable enough of a student - and no more staying up all night to do homework since it's lights out at midnight - which still seems juvenile, but I can finally understand it - it takes a toll being woken up so much, so the earlier beddy-bie comes, the more sleep you get. Before I got sick going to bed at 12 would've seemed laughable, but now, man I am ready to go even earlier and find myself falling asleep all the time.

I can't believe it's summer already. This is the first year I've missed going to Festival - for those of you who don't know what it is it's the biggest festival focused on art and music in the country (from what I've heard). I miss the walking taco stand that I always crunch Frito chips at for my church.

I haven't lost hope.. there is still a fire burning in there that things are going to get better. I'm not giving up. I'm NEVER giving up. Life is not always happy, it's not supposed to be, it's meant to be filled with challenges and battles to fight and things to build our confidence and our faith in ourselves and God. This has been and continues to be a long journey I am on.. it's been quite an adventure so far! I know there are more ups and downs coming and the roller coaster ride isn't over. This is my life though and I have DECIDED that I am going to be as content and positive as I can be wherever I am, whatever my circumstances. Attitude is everything and even though I may have a bad attitude about some things, it's not going to last for long or rule my world.

Good wishes to everyone!

Just an update. I am getting up out of bed more than ever now. YAY. I am happy with progress and it's nice to sit on the couch and be on the computer part of the day. I am gradually working my way to being able to transfer from the bed to the couch, and then to the couch to my wheelchair on my own. The strength and dexterity of my legs has changed since before I was sick and so this is a lot more difficult.. but it's getting better. Hopefully in time it will be easy as pie. It used to be really hard for me to get to the edge of the bed - and now that's no biggie, and the couch is no big deal either.

I am feeling happy and so hopeful. Things are finally getting somewhere! Let's hope that I can start to wean off of the ventilator soon too. Oh that would feel SO great, although very scary at first, I am sure.

Thanks for keeping up with me. I am trying to keep up with all the blogs, and for the most part I have been. It's just I don't have as much time to comment as much as I want to! Ugh. Stupid time.

Lots of love all around. :)