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Fireflywishes
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Name: April
Birthday: 12/21/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Pondering the intricacies of life, analyzing the human specimen, searching for answers to the unanswerable questions, reflecting on it all [and probably way to much], sunny days with warm breezes, cool crisp bottles of Snapple Peach Iced Tea, laughing at myself, taking really long showers, talking for my cats, getting different songs stuck in my head at the same time, READING, never being completely satisfied but maintaining my optimism, struggling to escape my lackadaisical study habits while I'm still in college.
Expertise: singing in the shower
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  fireflywishes22
Member Since:
10/27/2006
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Sooo... I have a voice now? It's sort of odd to hear yourself talk after a few years.. doesn't seem like that long has gone by, but dang..
Things are going so much better than I ever imagined. I think it's just further proof that this is the right time for everything. Progress has gotten good.. this is like my 4th day with a voice.. and it's just getting better and better. I even have been singing a little :X I don't think it sounds that good.. but it FEELS so good. I missed singing to myself more than anything in the world I think.. even more than TALKING. I know how weird that sounds. But I'm always singing to myself, it's like.. well, breathing to me. It feels like.. I'm getting little pieces of myself back. Wow, that just made me tear up a little.
I'm so excited. I'm nervous as hell, and I hope, hope, hope that things will keep going as well as this. I'm staying positive, and trying not to push myself to fast but damn, I just want to fly already. I'm nervous that I'm going to get to a point and be scared as hell again and decide to stay in my little comfort zone. Even though I know I can't do that anymore, I'm not letting my comfort zone be as comfortable.
Sometimes you just have to kick yourself in the ass.
I have hope. I have so much I want for my future. Places to go. People to see. Life. Love. Hope.. you know, the big and little things.
It's surprising how little things make me so happy, like the feel of my warm breathe on my hand, and from my nose. It's been so long since I've felt that and it's really nothing I ever thought about before, but now I have it again, I realized how much I've missed it.
The other thing I love is hearing myself laugh. I know that sounds probably sort of vain. But things really are more enjoyable when you hear yourself laugh, when you can not only feel it but hear it.
I get sort of nervous talking in front of people now, I haven't talked in so long.. everyone is like .. so excited for me and wants to hear my voice.. it feels funny. I have never been comfortable in the spotlight, but I know everyone is so happy for me and that feels nice. It makes me feel so grateful to be in such a great environment, with people who not only care about me but root for me, laugh with me, and make life so much more enjoyable. I'll say it again, even though I wish I had never gotten sick and this had all not happened.. I don't regret that I came here and met all these wonderful people who have touched me in so many ways, and helped me learn so much about what it means to be human.
Gah, I'm making myself cry.
I know that these are only the first steps up this very tall mountain. It feels so good though, and I'm so optimistic. I know for sure I will miss everyone here so much, they've been so much apart of my life and I really love them all.
I just wonder how you can ever thank people for making some of the darkest moments of your life a little brighter? I know I'll never have words enough. I think that's true for all my family and friends who I love. I'll never have the words to say.
I have so many special people who hold special places in my heart, some bigger than others. :)
It feels ironic.. to have a voice and know I'll never have the words I want to say.
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| Man, lately I just cannot GET enough music? So many great songs.. I feel like a music whore, buying so much, I can't even look at my bank account.. I've realized more than ever that my tastes have grown exponentially. I've always loved like pop, some rock, alternative has been my main love I think. Now, I can love almost anything. Hell, right now I even have a couple of country songs on my playlist. I don't mind listening to rap now and again, even though I like hip/hop a little more, and I'm still real selective about it.
I like to think that maybe this is a sign that maybe I'm not quite so judgmental in other areas of my life either? I don't know if it's true or not.. but I really hope so.
I used to really loathe like electronicish sounding music, like a couple years ago if I had heard Skrillex I would probably have rather listened to paint scraped off a wall.. but now I totally love the sound and the beats and all of it. I like the songs with actual lyrics more than not, but even the ones that are pure Skrillex and no vocals I love. I'm very much a mood music person though, and lately anything electronic and/or dance has consumed me. It makes me so happy. I'll probably be making some good playlists to help me get through some of the challenges I have coming up, I know music helped me a lot before. It takes my mind off the here and now.. and just allows my body to do what it wants to without my head getting in the way.
The new James Morrison CD feels like so many of the songs were written just for me. I love when music feels like that. I know a lot of the songs on that CD are going to help me through some tough times.
I have.. so much hope and happiness...I feel like there's a little sun shining in me that's just bursting out of every part of me. Life feels so good right now, so full of promise and dare I say second chances.
Gah, I have so much I want to say. I don't know if there is ever a right or wrong time to say what I want to say... waiting for some sort of sign, but I know that's stupid. I just need to decide when to do it and do it, come what will, right? I guess part of me is not ready to let go of this happiness I'm riding on and I'm scared of what I'll hear in response to what I need to say. It's becoming so hard to keep quiet though.. it just wants to BURST out so badly.
I've probably said way to much..haha
I'm so excited.. this coming week will probably be the week I get my voice back.. at least for short periods. That's going to feel so different. I can't believe how long it's been since I've had an actual conversation with someone that did not involve them reading my lips, or me passing notes. Or you know, obviously on the computer chatting haha
So many big and exciting things coming.. but also very scary too. I know the end will be worth it, and I just can't wait to get to the top of the mountain and see how far I've come and know I proved it all to myself that I could do it. | | |
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This past week or so has felt so amazingtastic. I'm so happy, and I don't have any like great REASONS to be, just a lot of small things? Which I guess is what makes life most awesome in the end, all the little things that pile onto each other.
I've made a huge decision and I'm nervous. I put it out into the Universe and now.. now it's the hard work. I have so much hope though, I know I'm going to do it this time. I seriously have some of the best friends in the world and I know they'll be beside me all the way.
I feel so much good will, happiness and just good feelings. Like maybe things are coming together more. I don't know.. I don't want to get my hopes up too much either, but hope is what gives you wings, right? It feels like I'm flying on it now.
I can't even explain why exactly I've decided NOW is the time. I guess I've realized more than ever what I want in my life, and there's no way I can ever have a dream of having anything I want unless I climb this mountain. There's no guarantee that once I do that I'll get the things I want either, I mean this is life after all - it doesn't come with shiny warranties and guarantees.
I have so many things I want to do, I could list them, but nah sort of want to keep it private for now. I've got a lot of goals though and I want to hang out with some peeps.
I feel like.. this has taken me so long. But also that this is the right time. I'm stronger now, physically and mentally. This will be a battle of the mind even more than the body I think. I think it's always been a mental battle and before I honestly was not strong enough. I'm disappointed in myself; that I let myself down like that... but I also feel like the time I've spent here has not been wasted either. I've gotten the chance to get to know so many incredibly awesome people. I've learned SO much about myself. I've sure as hell learned more than ever that there's more people than I ever realize who care about me. I'm so much more comfortable with who I am as a person and even physically. I know these things were necessary for me to learn. I'm not exactly prepared to say THIS exact scenario had to occur for me to learn them.. I mean I feel there could have been other ways *shakes fist at Universe* but we don't get to pick our battles do we?
Well, it's getting closer. Next week is go time. Just me against myself. Nothing to lose. Everything to win.
Everything. Including a lovely trip to Vegas to see some.. lovely dancers. LOL :)
Random thought: I had fun giving the finger to someone today.[Actually today I just gave it more than usual, but i have fun every time I give it LOL] It's become a regular thing. People should really feel awesome if I give them the finger. It means "you're cool enough to get my sense of humor" :D | | |
| It's been so long again Xanga. I feel bad neglecting you, when you've been part of my life for so long. 2006, it's been quite awhile.. and now I realize I'm talking to you like you're an entity. 0_0
Soooo, what is new? Well, I made up with my friend (who I mentioned in a previous post).. it's funny how life works isn't it? We just sort of started talking again after admitting we missed each other (we didn't talk for a couple months) and then we just fell back into our old habit again of talking every day, almost like nothing had happened. I think perhaps we just needed space. I'm really glad we're talking again, I really did miss her a lot, and she's had a lot going on in her life, and I hope I've been able to be there for her as a friend. We got back to talking shortly before she had a major tragic event happen.. and I would've felt even worse if we hadn't have been talking, I felt so bad as it was.. people talk about the differences between sympathy and empathy, and I know them.. but I don't think before this I experienced it, at least not TRUE empathy. And I guess it can be argued that true empathy can never be achieved because everyone feels things different ways, which is true. But her experience hit so close to home for me that I felt my heart break for her, like mine did when it happened to me.
Analyzing life is so fascinating for me sometimes. I can see patterns in my own life. One big pattern I see is having to accept things that I have no control over, sometimes big things. Having to pick up and move on. I like to think I'm getting better at that, but in a lot of ways I'm not at all. I keep playing these stupid "what if" thoughts over in my head - entirely pointless and really the devil's road. I like to think positive, but sometimes there aren't a lot of positive things to think about for some situations - they just are, and that's where acceptance comes in.
I don't really like to think about the future very much. I have little goals I like to think about. But it is funny how some situations put us in perfect situations to help other people. The paths our lives take, interweaving and intersecting.. and perhaps if we hadn't taken that unexpected detour we wouldn't be in that position. I read a great quote the other day, that said life is lived on the detours and side roads, which I think is quite true. The future is never what I expect, I've learned to go with the flow as best as possible. There's joy, surprise, excitement and humor in almost every situation if we look for it I think. I'm grateful for all the places - and detours my life has taken. I've gotten to meet some awesome people who I know I never would've met otherwise.
On a less philosophical note, I've been dying my hair fun colors lately. Highlights really, not my entire head! First I got a chunk of pink, and then that came out eventually and now I got chunks of purple all over. I think my next color might be dark aqua/turquoise and dark pink, but haven't quite decided. It's funny though, when I was in school i was never brave enough to dye my hair fun colors. I wish I had been more brave in so many ways. I'm so much more comfortable with myself than I ever have been before. Maybe that just comes with getting older, but I think it's also my situation too. I'm not nearly as self-conscious as I used to be and that feels good.
In a lot of ways I feel more "me" than ever. I think that comes from having really good friends who love me for who I am (or I like to think they love me *giggle*) but they appreciate my sense of humor and completely dirty mind LOL my penchant for quoting songs I'm listening to - especially my favorite lines from Ke$ha's song Cannibal, which has become quite the joke, haha.
I feel so grateful to have close friends who let me be who I am. My life would not be nearly as fulfilled without them.
I'm really excited about my book blog as well. It's amazing to think I've been book blogging for over a year now. My blog has grown by leaps and bounds... and I feel privileged to be a tiny part of the publishing and promotion process for all the books I love. When I decided to start a book blog last year, it was sort of a whim. I never expected to find such amazing friends and have so much FUN with it. I sort of expected it to be a passing fad, or never really take off, just one of those things I did for fun but nothing much come of it. Recently I even took on another contributor for my blog, and she's awesome.
I feel like if my life hadn't have taken such a major detour that I wouldn't be where I am now. I can't say I'd be any happier or sadder, or that I'd be as comfortable in my own skin, I don't really know. But I can say I am glad that I have the friends I do and that I have my blog, that life has kept going on.
Cause that's what it's always been about - (to quote an All American Rejects song:
"when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, Move along just to make it through..."
Life is always worth it. | | |
| I really should be writing a few book reviews - I'm sort of behind on them on my book blog, which is still going really well and my friend and I just hosted our biggest blog event ever (for both of our blogs) a Read-a-thon, which included mini challnges hosted on our blogs and several other blogs, and also a twitter party. October 21-23. It was so much fun.. it's funny though.. there was so much stress before hand, we felt sick to our stomachs like we were going to throw up - last minute changes had to be made.
And more importantly. I lost a friend. I lost a good friend, someone I thought I was very close to - and how can you not feel that way when you've talked to them every day since sometime in April? I can't say that I didn't see it coming.. . because I felt it for awhile. I can't say exactly what changed, or why I felt things were changing, I just felt it. And then I made one stupid comment that should've been forgiveable but wasn't. I can't pretend to understand. I guess for some people it's much easier to forgive than it is for others, and I'm not trying to make judgements. I just feel sad that I lost a friend, especially over something that was so damn fixable. I honestly couldn't apologize any more, for any wrongs that I did, or even thought I had done.. and apologizing is not easy, it means swallowing your pride and admitting that you were wrong, but the friendship meant so much to me, it still does.
Now, it seems like a chasm has grown that will never be crossed. Maybe sometimes a few exchanges will be thrown across the gulf that separates us, but it'll never be the same.
It's also in that sense.. when you realize that like anything - you can't take it for granted. Maybe that's the biggest mistake I made of them all. It feels like a lesson I should've learned by now. I know life is fragile, that things can change in an instant, that there are things that happen so fast and are forever irrevocable, irreversible, those Before and Afters that mark the timeline of life.
I wish I could say that having seeing it coming, it made it easier to bear. It hasn't. Part of me does feel relief in that the worst has passed (maybe?) That the dreaded thing has happened and I can stop dreading it, but now I have to face the after-effects. The little twist in my heart every time I see your face or name(s) on Facebook, or Twitter or all the numerous places we're connected (and wow, you realize how connected you really are...) and it makes my stomach do flips and I'm angry and sad - sometimes both at the same time. Most of all I'm confused. Confused because I thought our friendship meant the same to you as it did me, and if that was the case.. I'm confused on how it could've been so easy for you to throw it away with such finality.
The truth is I would say a thousand apologies more, to even get a semblance of the friendship we had back.
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